Love is really hard for some of us

As a Christian, I try to follow the way of Jesus.

The way of Jesus is love.

And love is really freaking hard.

It’s hard for me anyway, but maybe I’m stunted.

Maybe I’m the only one who used to fantasize about someone’s death and now has to pray for the right perspective so I can genuinely wish the same person well.

Maybe I’m the only one who has to pray their way out of pure hate anytime certain names comes up.

Maybe I’m the only one who wakes up in a panic, thinking of something I’ve done or something I’ve failed to do and have to pray my way out of hating myself.

Maybe I’m the only one that has eight lumps in her chest just thinking about the things above, just imagining trying to reach for love in those situations.

I want to be good at it. I want it to be easy. But I’m not, and it’s not.

Love doesn’t look like rainbows and unicorns and kisses.

It doesn’t look like soapboxes and controlling behavior and discipline either.

The finished product might be all patience and gentleness and other lovely things — but getting there is freaking hard.

Staying there is freaking hard too.

It doesn’t stay the same. You don’t love every person in the same way and you don’t even love the same person in the same way all the time. It’s this never-ending learning curve.

And I don’t know if it’s a right-now thing or an always-been-around thing, but if feels like everywhere I turn someone wants me to support their version of what’s true and what’s right.

They have a sign ready for me to hold, a mob ready to join, a petition ready to sign.

If I say I’m just trying to get this love thing down, just trying to figure out how to love the people around me, how to love myself, how to love God — it’s not good enough for them.

Loving well isn’t enough for them. Even though I’m failing at it, even though I’m just trying so hard to do it even a little every day, it’s not enough.

And I wonder, are they just naturals? They don’t struggle to love the people they know best, so they have time to move on to people they don’t know at all?

Or are they ignoring the people they know best, because those are the people it’s so freaking hard to love. Like the one we know better than anyone — ourselves. That jerk is the hardest to pin down. If I could figure out how to love her well I’m pretty sure the dam would break for the rest of them.

I don’t know which it is or if it’s some other thing, but I know the best thing I can do right now is to keep trying to love better.

It doesn’t mean I won’t hold a sign or stand on a soapbox for things that align with my highest values. I might even sign your petition.

But my main focus has to be this love thing. And I’m thinking maybe you don’t get it because maybe it’s easy for you, but I’m telling you, from where I sit, it is so freaking hard.