I’ve been in a season of living on manna and, I realized today, I’ve been in a perpetual state of longing for the next season - longing for a season where I don’t wonder how tomorrow’s bills will be paid.
I’ve been begging God to hurry along with whatever lesson I need to learn – begging Him to just drill it through my thick skull already – because I’ve been under the impression that once the lesson is learned I’ll go back to having at least a semblance of financial security. I will at least know how the next few months will be financed instead of month after month of last minute provision.
But today I was smacked in the face with an uncomfortable question. “Who are you really worshipping?”
A prayer I prayed months ago was answered today.
I had prayed for a specific type of person to help me with a specific type of task and today, halfway through a conversation, a friend who knew nothing of my prayer practically asked for the task. After she left, I realized how thoroughly and timely God answered my months-ago prayer, and as I reflected and praised and thanked I heard a distinct thought.
Which would you rather have – this answered prayer or the financial security?
And not that God could not or would not provide both of those things – that wasn’t the point of the whispered question. The whispered question was kind. The whispered question was really asking, where is your heart, where is your priority, who are you worshipping?
And the answer, when set against this recently answered prayer, was easy. I would rather see God move in the lives of others, to draw us all together to do Kingdom work, to see my words have impact, to see Him move through the things He asks me to create – I would rather have all of that and live off of manna than have none of it and live financially secure. If the options had been before me in two separate boxes, I would not struggle with the choice.
And I knew this was part of what I’m meant to learn here in this season - to be perfectly satisfied with whatever God sees fit to give me. To be joy-filled in whatever wacky situation He leads me to live in. To see the work God gave me as the meat and potatoes, to be so filled up and satisfied with the work itself, with the task-giver Himself, that anything else is icing. Because I don’t work for the reward of bread, I don’t work to fill my stomach - I work for Him, for the Kingdom.
I’ve been, to put it bluntly, worshipping the god of financial security rather than the one true God. I’ve been wishing away this season - a season rich in growth and good work - simply because I don’t like the discomfort of not knowing how the next bill will be paid.
It’s like a little pebble in my shoe. Every few steps I’m crying out to God asking if we can be done with this pebble - can we just stop and shake it out? And then I get a little whiny and stompy when there’s no answer.
Today, I am realizing how the pebble can be a reminder of where to keep my eyes - totally focused on Him - rather than a distraction.
I’m doing exactly what I believe God asked me to do right now. This is where He has me. And I’m going to worship here. I won’t wish away this season. When the pebble digs into my heel, I won’t whine - I will be reminded. I will stop and worship and readjust and refocus.
Because the one true God, who I claim to follow, doesn’t promise any type of security beyond the eternal. He doesn’t promise I’ll know where my next meal will occur, He doesn’t promise the approval of others - He promises I am not alone, He promises I have eternal life, He promises I am never forsaken.
I’m reminded today of how enormous those promises are, how He really is everything I need, how this season - whether it ends tomorrow or lasts through my lifetime - is another beautiful opportunity to grow more, know more, and trust more.
And I am grateful.