When I lost a bag at the airport a week and a half ago, I had about 5 minutes of, “Did I really do that? Oh crap all my debit cards were in there and I need gas to get home. How am I going to do my work and write the things without my computer? Oh shoot all of my IDs were in there. My book proof was in there!”Read More
While I walked on the road I met a man who asked where I was going. I told Him about my Father’s business.
The man reared back and stopped short and puffed out his chest.
”The Father wouldn’t send you THERE,” he said. “The Father wouldn’t send you to do THAT.”
**MAJOR SPOILER ALERT**
I believe the enemy often uses one type of wound over and over until it only takes a tiny version of that wound to make us a bloody mess. For a long time, the slightest hint of rejection sent me in a tailspin.Read More
You weren’t made to fit in somewhere - you were made to fit together with someones.
Pull up a chair and open your mouth and I’ll bet everything I have that we’ll find a source of connection, of togetherness.Read More
"Well that is just stupid."
"I should cancel this entire project."
"The people who ordered this book are going to be so disappointed when they get it."
"Pretty sure God didn't actually tell me to do this. I'm probably just an insane person."
"I'm definitely wasting my time."
"Gah, you need more."
"Gah, you need less."
"Aren't you so sick of yourself?"
"What are you doing? All this work for basically nothing? Seriously, get a job. "
"This is the worst thing you've ever written, ever."
I'm putting my little "Capturing Thoughts" book together today - hoping to have a proof to show you all soon - and these are actual thoughts I heard floating through my mind while working.
I cannot remember one time where God has said move and I have been able to move without opposition and without doubt.
But I also can't remember a time where God has said move and it hasn't been 100% worth it.
So when these thoughts floated on through I gave them a brief nod and kept working.
I said a little something to myself each time and moved on.
I said something about how I'm 80% sure this is what God asked of me and, honestly, 80% is pretty good. It's enough to do this work.
It's enough to pour myself out on these pages.
It's enough to bear the soul wrenching, ego ripping parts of writing and sharing.
It's enough to bear the tedious, monotonous parts too.
Especially when I'm 100% sure He will work through this book for His glory - 100% sure He'll work through it for my good.
I'm going to do through the doubt.
Because I'm 100% sure it will be worth it.
It’s funny how one day I can be in a state of near- full surrender, of kingdom-mindedness, of eternal focus, and the next day I can be a tightly wound ball of anxiety with my eyes fixated on the temporal and my thoughts magnifying what isn’t going my way.
I’m working on a collection of short meditations on anxiety right now. They are the things I say to myself and to others - and the things I think God says to us - when we are rolling in the muck of it. But as I write these down, as I contemplate the anxiety monster, I find myself incredibly grateful.
The knot in my stomach, the tsunami of thoughts, the tightness in my chest, the trembling limbs - they light up the cockpit of my life and remind me, painfully, to get out of the pilot’s seat.
In this way, the anxiety is a gift. For me it is a clear heads up to get my head up.
It still sucks. I don’t love it. At its best it is mildly aggravating,
at its worst it is soul crushing. It’s a monster we won’t be bothered with on the other side of eternity.
But I’m grateful for the way it has taught me to shift focus.
For how it teaches me surrender.
For how it won’t let me be the pilot - how as soon as I take control of the cockpit it wakes up and sounds every alarm.
I don’t love it, but I’m grateful.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
He spoke and the universe appeared. Full stop. He spoke. He said a word.
And everything in this natural world appeared. Everything you’ve ever seen, felt, heard is here because He simply spoke it into existence.
Imagine speaking and watching as what you spoke appeared. Imagine willing something into existence. It is almost unfathomable to me.
Yet, almost daily, I find myself telling my God - my God who spoke a word and saw the universe appear - I find myself telling Him how something should be done, where He should interfere, where He should move.
But the best part of the whole thing is this -
God doesn’t squash me or punish me or wave me off with a “How dare you!”
He tucks me under His arm and whispers “I got this,” and He reminds me who He is and what He can do and He lifts my chin and pulls my shoulders back and he calls me “daughter.”
He loves me.
Let me introduce you to my uncontrollable,
He is good.
He is mine.
I am His.