The alarm rings and I let it. Over and over again, I let the blaring wash over me. Yesterday’s failures play through my mind like a trailer for a horror film. Most days I blow something – lose patience, put my foot in my mouth, turn negative or cynical – something slips and I’m reminded how short I fall of perfection.
Yesterday though – yesterday was a train wreck. Every struggle seemed to rise up with the sole purpose of crushing me. I failed in so many ways and so many times.
The alarm stops, putting itself on snooze, and I know I have five minutes until it starts again. I try to push back the darkness, but I’m too worn. My thoughts turn against me, rewinding and repeating my mistakes, the commentary becomes vicious.
The alarm sounds again. This time I push the snooze, putting an end to the blaring outside noise, but the blaring within only intensifies.
I will myself to think of nothing, to let the exhaustion cover me like a blanket, to fall back for another five minutes of rest, of quiet.
It seems like seconds before the alarm is going off again and my stomach clenches up tight, faced with just how much I suck at this life thing. What if today isn’t better? What if it’s better for me to just stay here, under these covers, hiding?
God, Help. It’s the closest thing to a prayer I can muster.
He agrees. I do suck. I hurt people, say the wrong things, waste inordinate amounts of time and energy and talent. I want things my way, and I always, always, always want to be right. There is truth in the lie. But the rest? The conclusion? The "I should stay under the covers and sulk" bull? Pure fiction.
Sometimes I don’t suck. Sometimes I lean right into him - right into love and sacrifice and humility and selflessness.
Every time, I woke up for a reason. Every time, there is purpose in my breathing lungs and beating heart.
AND EVERY TIME His grace is new, and EVERY TIME His mercy is all I need. Whether yesterday was an apex day or a stuck in the muck day, I get fresh mercy today.